The Real Questions

 

cc photo by J. Delp

It is amazing how easy it can be to make someone's day a little better. We all want to be known, to be recognized, to know we matter. When someone asks how we are doing and takes a sincere interest in our response we tend to perk up -- exude a little more energy.

Consider a coffee shop. Employees are trained to take an interest in the customer, but it is rare for the customer to return the favor. I know my efforts in this endeavor are lacking. On the occasion when I do look the employee in the eye and ask how their day has been, I usually see an immediate change in demeanor, a sparkle in the eye, and even a sincere smile. Sometimes that's the end of it, but I know I feel a little endorphin hit and I'm guessing the other person does too.

As a veteran principal (now retired), I also know how easy it is to encourage colleagues and kids with a small investment of personal attention. Knowing names, asking sincere questions, and taking the time to listen makes a real difference. This is something Father Greg Boyle talks about at length throughout his book, Tattoos on the Heart ¹. In one story, he talks about working to connect with a particularly challenging young man and the ultimate breakthrough comes when he uses the boy's name. Father Boyle, writes about this experience, 

“William,” I say to him, “How you doin’? It’s good to see ya.” William says nothing. But as I walk away (I always made a point of not staying very long), I can hear William in a very breathy, age-appropriate voice, say to the others, “Hey, the priest knows my name.” “I have called you by your name. You are mine,” is how Isaiah gets God to articulate this truth. Who doesn’t want to be called by name, known? The “knowing” and the “naming” seem to get at what Anne Lamott calls our “inner sense of disfigurement."

When I consider our world, and how we treat one another, I often think of these questions queried by the late Henri Nouwen.

Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone's face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come.

Imagine how much of an impact I could make if I was able to answer affirmatively to each of these questions every day. What if we all aspired to reach that standard in our daily interactions?

I'm thinking it would be worth the effort.

¹ I frequently shared quotes and stories from Father Boyle's books with my staff. If you are in education, work with at-risk youth, or have a soft spot for those on the margins I highly recommend you pick up a copy. Even better, buy a copy AND the audio book (narrated by Father Boyle). You won't regret it. Note: if you buy using the link I provided, I do get a small commission. In addition, I always warn people that the book contains both religion and profanity. That should pique your interest ;)